Sunday, November 22, 2009

A New Role

As I am nearing the end of my recovery period it has occurred to me that real life has to start soon...I am so scared it isn't even funny! How can I do this? Be a mom and still be me? I know it is possible because I have seen it, but I imagine it takes alot of effort.

I have always wanted to be one of those really awesome Domestic Goddess type moms who know everything and do everything without missing a beat. Bake, cook, craft with the kids and my own stuff, sew, knit, paint, and do it all with a smile and awesome hair and clothes...
I always figured I'd have time to perfect these skills before adding a baby into it...somehow time caught up to me, and now here I am with the wriggly cute little creature that relies on me completely, and I have no idea how to be a mom, and certainly have had no practice being that Domestic Goddess I have always wanted to be. (I am sure feminists everywhere are cringing right about now. You can be a feminist and still rock the Domesticness...really though)

SO how do I do this?
How do I be the grown up I have always wanted to be, while adding on this new role of mommyhood?

It is so scary. What if I can't do it? What if I just half-ass through life and lose myself completely to become nothing more than "Patrick's mom" and Sandi no longer exists...and I'll wake up one day and wonder what the hell happened...

This is my not so secret fear...
But what to do about it?

I've never been good with the follow through. I don't even know where to start. The days blur into each other, and before I know it a week has gone by and all I have to show for it is frizzy hair, some clean laundry, and a well fed sleeping baby.
This does not make a least not a very well lived one.

I want to be awesome at this...but I don't know how.